Laugh it out … 17

There was this little child living with a big family and had stammering and trouble in spelling words. His good mother had made him to tell ‘sing’ for ‘sue,sue’. Sue = Urge to urinate in Hindi.

All went well till holidays and the kid with its elder sister went to village to visit their grand parents. At the dead of the night the kid wanted to go to bathroom and woke up its grand dad.

Child: Ramu thatha I want to sing.

Ramu: No my child, its night now. Go to sleep and morning you can sing.

Child: No thatha, its urgent. I have to sing

Ramu: Turn that side and sleep, you dont have to sing now.

Child: I will cry, if I can not sing now…its urgent.

Ramu: OK,ok… sing but dont wake up the whole world. Sing with very little noise into my ears.

BESCOM and Notices

I read the following in todays newspaper

Notice:

There would be no power supply between 11am to 4pm in the following parts – basavanagudi, tata silk farm, TR nagar, kathriguppe and sorrounding areas.

How would it be for BESCOM if I (consumer) gave a notice in newspaper like this

Notice:

There would be no payment of bills between 10th and 15th of this month by all consumers  in the following parts of Bangalore viz basavanagudi, tata silk farm, TR nagar, kathriguppe and sorrounding areas.

Understood that preventive maintainence is more important but the same area getting notice every saturday / sunday for alternate weeks is too much isnt it?

Laugh it out … 16

The junior theif was on training and went out regularly to watch out for opportunities at night. One day both the senior and junior sighted a open window and got into the house. Skillfully they managed to break into the almirah and were at the last leg of polishing off all the ornaments from the pooja room and as destiny would have it, junior stumbled and a silver bowl fell with a great thud to ground and awoke the old lady of the hosue sleeping near the pooja room.

Who is that – she asked.

Meow, meow said the senior theif.

The lady turned sides and fell asleep and scolding the junior both made away with their loot and the junior learnt a valuble lesson of trade.

After considerable amount of training junior started off on his own in a new area. As destiny would have it he got into similar trouble by dropping a vessel in kitchen this time. The land lady again asked “who is that”.

Junior replied “its only a cat”.

Junior is now counting the bars as well as the beatings given by the local people till day light.

Laugh it out … 15

Eat to your hearts content. Bill?? Dont worry your son will pay it!

So went the proclomation at a restaurant and gunda was all grins and sat with a thump on the chair and ordered a kings lunch.

At the end of the sumuptous lunch, came the regular bill in 4 digits. A Smiling gunda, pointed to the board outside and said “My son will pay it”.

Equally amused waiter politely said “Offcourse sir. Your bill will be paid by your son but this is your fathers bill”.

Laugh it out … 14

Here is a spoof of a very old and well known story.

There is an IT guy who takes off from hectic work schedule to a jungle with full flora and funa for hiking and enjoying the nature. He was holding hand in hand and romantically looking into his wife eyes, walking in the slush grass when abruptly his wife fell into a well which was not covered.

The IT guy shouted F1 (Help) but no avail. He sat cross legged as taught in his weekend yoga sessions and prayed to god. Alas, God who just heard the cries came in front of the IT guy and asked what happened. The IT guy blurted his wife had fallen into the well and he coudnt live without her.

God, went personally down and brought out a beautifull looking Aishwaraya rai and asked – is this your wife? The IT guy in a blink said “NO”.

God, again dived and brought out a young Laura dutta and asked – is this your wife. The IT guy thought and said “Yes…yes…thanks for saving her life”.

God was angry and puzzled. He asked the IT guy – “I was happy you told me the truth first time but what is the logic of telling lies next?”

The IT guy reasoned and said “Had I said this is not my wife, you would have gone down, brought my wife up and for the truthfullness would have let me live with all the three of them just like with the wood cutters golden,silver and iron axe – but its impossible to live with one wife – how to live with 3 of them where 2 of them are stars?”

With a flash God disappeared laughing.

Laugh it out … 13

In that red indian settlement the witch doctor was quite popular – so much that chiefs of surrounding villages used to visit and get cured. On one such occassion one of the chieftens sent his aide to get a cure for constipation.

The witch doctor woke up from the slumber and asked the aide what was his problem. He said Big chief no shit. The witch doctor smiled despite wrinkles on his face and handed over a vail of medicinal pills and said ‘One at sun up, one at sun down, meet me next full moon’.

The chief took the medicine on first day – there was no relief, he doubled the dose on third day no relief, in desperation he emptied the vail on 5th day into his mouth.

Next full moon, the witch doctor did not see the aide whom he had given medicine previous week and summoned him. He asked for results. The aide replied ‘Big shit no chief’.

Laugh it out … 12

When I was resting for little more than a week from a very bad back strain – curtousy bad seating posture, the helpfull neighbourhood preist asked me to chant the Mrthunjaya manthra for better effects.

At evening with great effort sat up and called Junior to also recite the manthra along with me, pat came the replay ‘I dont have back strain problems,you do it’.

Dawood Bhai..please come back

Dear Dawood bhai,

It was sad to hear that your own homeland is trying to finish you off. Please dont make the mistake and stay back another day and fall into their traps – we all know how golden your heart is. Do come back to India so that:

You can get arrested and go to jail for 3 months after which you can come out on bail.All heroes and leaders have started off like this ( mostly on sec 420). The cases go on for 16 long years minimum during which time you can join any political party including launching your own and you can take up the next general elections.

Normaly its money power, muscle power and lung power in that order to succeed as a politician and you have all the charishma and definetly will win the elections.

Once you reach the pedestal of MP, there is no looking back, every party will join hand with you to form the Government and your proven track record will help there. The court cases can be then ‘taken care off’ by that time.

Why do you want to take the risk of getting eliminated when you can shine like the golden star? Please come lead us.

Yours,

Lallu allo prashad,Ravan vilas , Sania , MP carrot, Goldenappa, Winking naidu.

Why do People Honk?

This was the question that came up to my mind when a cacophony greeted me in a traffic jam. Honestly the following could be the answers :

• The driver is irritated of some unfinished business – mostly needs to reach office on time pending which he would be marked absent for half day, people working on commissions would have kept somebody waiting for closing a deal which would in turn earn them their fat commission and finally the business guy who would loose a deal worth a few lakhs if the appointment is skipped.
• Student has to be dropped at school/somebodies house before test begins or the event happens.
• Doctor has many patients waiting in many multispeciality hospital around the city and they are even late for their Operation theatres..
• Husbend/wife has told the other to wait at some point and not turned up in a line 2 times, this is the last and final call. (We can replay this scenario for collage kids)
• There are people running to movie theatres, trains, flights…

But all the above root causes still did not answer why they honk!! May be that is the universal way of singalling that am waiting and let me go. When vehicle is being driven, people honk for asking way but now a days they honk when the waiting at traffic singals is more than 2 minutes…

All said and done, one thing is for sure – “how ever carefull you plan your itenary, city travel ensures your programme is thrown out of gear” – thanks to rains, jams, VIP nethas etc. The lack of civic driving is the utmost important thing our mobs have ignored and paying this price i suppose!

Safer money, lesser taxes…

Most people whom I have met, fall into one of the categories when it comes to investment. Ask them thier risk appetite and strangely it’s either zero risk or full risk with high returns.

A government based security like NSC, FD is the answer to first class of people and equities are the answers to the other set of people. The theme and concern of this post is however the first class of people who get interests but woudnt want to part it as taxes to government.

If one were to invest in any avenue, capital gains come into picture and the only exception is equity mutual funds where there is no taxation of long term capital gains. All other investments are added to your income and taxed at brackets accordingly.

If one were in the highest tax bracket, 33%, any investment into safe avenues like FD, NSC would mean paying taxes at 33% – if there is one avenue by which this can be reduced to 10% of capital gains – there is an instrument – the debt oriented mutual funds.

The medium term debt oriented mutual funds generate returns in the range of 4.5% to 8.5% per annum based on AMC and maturity period of the instruments held. In other words, following are the advantages and disadvantages:

Merits

• No entry load. Exit loads normally if redeemd before 15-30 days otherwise that is not there too
• You pay tax at 10% of capital gains instead of 30%
• Highly liquid, redemptions take 2 to 4 working days only

Demerits

• Long maturity periods of paper holdings and low rated commercial papers are risky.
• Scheme choosing should be done with care – Interest rate flactuations are a cause of concern.