And the award goes too…

The auto transport corporation had recently launched thier inagural cermoney which is inititated to award the best class of vehicles in the industry for promoting pollution. Here is the excerpts of the same including the winning classes.

The chairman of the first elected body Mr Polluramasami was proud and with tears in his eyes after gulping the fake biselari mineral water, spoke thus –

“Ladies and gentlemen – its my honour and best wishes of my forefathers who are in the oil pilfirage business from 1945 that I am proud again to announce the achievements and awards of year 2007”

Though India is still a developing country ( it has remained, will remain and will allways remain so) and hence its contribution to global warming is still less compared to all the developed nations. While America and Europe contribute in many ways other than road pollution like heating at winter we are unable to compete and contribute towards making India a true number 1 in this aspect.

I use this podium to ask humbly all the transport members, congress affiliates and comman civilians to raise up to this occassion and take a oath that India shall raise above in the pollution graphs in this world.

(Secretary babu runs and tells something in his ears)

Due to shortage of time we, are proud to announce the following category of road users as winners and award the best polluting category vehicle awards as follows.

2 Customer care officers, 1 debit card

One fine April, IcIcI Bank decides to bestow all its customers a brand new debit card which has enhanced security features free of cost ( INR 99 is charged per annum – mind you)

The major security feature is the back of the debit card 16 digits are boxed into alphabets based on which customer can do money transfer to other accounts!! This is down right stupid and silly.

Suddenly one email informed me that a debit card dispatched had been returned as address was not found! Somehow its strange to believe that when every other mails come to the address including the same banks cheque books, the previous cards – suddenly bluedart the esteemed courier service decides that there is no such address at all!

Partition and other issues..

Just yesterday our correspondent Raju connectionwala was tracking some political bigwigs who were dishing out their fares for the 5 year regulation elections. Since Mr Rajcal Gandhi hit the trails, he has been blazing with pearls of wisdom – so much so that nobody could digest the hard facts. Our Connectionwala or any of the other media persons could get anywhere near Rajcal as he may be misquouted or quoted out of context.

Our connectionwala decided to hit the day closure with a good nightcap and their to his utter astonishment he met Mr rajcal – also nursing a drink. Here is an excerpt of what transpired between those two before they were so drunk high – neither it could be quoted nor reported.

Conn: Sab, good evening. Care for a smoke?

G: Why not young man? Why not? Sit with me here. Orders a large chicken tikka and smiles his pearly 32’s – So which company do you work for?

Conn: Sab – am a journalist. Care to answer a few doubts in mind?

G: Laughing – You guys dont stop at even the graveyard do you?OK shoot but no quotes.

Conn: Absolutely sir. This is for my troubled concience only.

G: Hic!

Conn: Do you still remember that your family was responsible for partioning Pakistan? How true is this?

G: Check the history, it was my grand ma who taught those bastards a lesson or two but these mongerals turn back on us now by training ISI jokers.

Conn: True but do you understand the implications of this statement? So many people died, still suffering…

G: Offcourse I stand behind my statement. Didnt indian jawans die in the battle for a good name of our dynasty?

Conn: You mean you agree to the dynasty rule too!!

G: Yes, We have been installing puppet shows from time immortal. We also take pride in having established corruption – remember Menon who has the credit of having started the institution of corruption during china wars? Why cry foul about corruption now. My grand mother allways accepted this fact proudly and stated “corruption exists everywhere in this world, in small percentages”. My father went ahead and published this fact in assembly by stating “from every rupee only 13 paisa reaches the actual needy”.

Conn: (Gulping his drink quickly) , You are really going great guns sir. They are also projecting you as the next CM of UP is that true?

G: (smirking) thats a bygone conclusion dear. Am only interested in the PM seat but these jokers who plan my growth are taking it slow. Dont worry with in next 2 years I will be driving this country.

Conn: (Adding Ice to his martini) What would be your priorities after becoming PM since its already there in absolute numbers?

G: Thats what I like in a journalist – forward looking questions. Your types usually stick to just mundane issues like corruption, killings etc. OK. I need to think about it a lot. Also my party workers are thinking a lot. I am preparing a roll muster so that we can chart out how much money each person gets.

Conn: Taken aback – More details sir…

G: Shh.. dont tell anybody but we are planning to set up Special Economic Zones (SEZ) for foreigners. We will sell the land cheap to them and sell all services at premium. For example land is only 12 lachs per bigha after mandatory cuts for all civil servents. But electricity, water, sewerage treatement, roads etc come at triple rates for these people.

Conn: But what about poor farmers? will they give lands?

G: We have a master plan. We make farmers as sleeping partners and elect them to local bodies. A person without work is like a devil or something like that.

Conn: Then?

G: We support the Government initiative for infusing foregin money into Indian economy.

Conn: But what about the corruption money?

G: Offcourse, this money flows out to phoren countries like St kitts, switzerland, uncle Q’s account etc.

Conn: Uncle Q – thats interesting. How much money did your family make on it?

G: !@@% ( some unprintable words and 4th vodka completed here)

Conn: OK… i know i should not have asked. Well, have a good knight! hic.

Smile Please

Flower O flower

Just yesterday while watering the flower beds – noticed a small flower which had just blossmed. Its life span is just a few hours but spreads its fragrance and provides a wonderfull relaxed atmosphere to the mind. It just goes about doing its simple job of spreading love and energy to everybody around inspite of so many problems.

At times it may get too much sunlight, less of water, dust pollution, air pollution but it never stops doing its duty. Maybe its complaining and crying within itself but just does it duty as told by SriKrishna in the Bhagavadgita.

Reflect this upon us human beings – we fall short of doing our duties many times – blame it on so many things, rant but compared to me, this small flower of few hours is greater – far greater than me since its more obident to God and mankind providing its services. Numerous are the prose and poetry penned by people – ignited by the energy radiated by this small flower or similar kinds.

So when ever we need to rant, just take a look at the small wonders around and we would be pushed into guilt !!!

Alcoholic trails

Warning: The whole episode is the experience of my colleuge, as told by him. Mohan does not drink but only drives – mostly people mad!

The hero of this story is my ex-tech lead Mr Raj ( Name protected). He is a great hero and motivator to the team in terms of guzzling the beer by canfulls. Here is his story one night which took place near Central Silkboard flyover.

Myself and others went to Aranya (bar cum restaurant) on Sarjapur road and started downing all our project sorrows. After a few beers it was hard red label stuff. The drinking and leg pulling sting went up to 11PM. Thats when the bar owner politely asked the guys for their last order. Tipsy as they were – they asked for a special on house and were promptly asked to pay up.

Once outside, the team split up and drove ( Yes, after failing to recognize many of their own cars/bikes) off. The ego is greater than wisdom they say.

Myself just came out and somehow found the keys to the 2 wheeler. The security assisted me in finding the keyhole and moon-walking, somehow managed to clutch the bike. I vaugely remembered that I was on sarjapur road and drove in the opposite direction.

As long as the vehicle was being driven, there was no issue. There was a stupid car which stopped in front of me for a hump and I had to promptly stop too. Unfortunately, my legs just wobbled and I toppled over. I just heaved myself up and since the bikes engine was still running, managed to mount and continue my ride.

Celebrating the 100th Post

Take this occassion to thank all the readers who have commented and made this journey very intersting. Its been a fast 100 posts in a quickfire 68 days!!

It all started by posting few things on our famous witty writer RK bellur’s site. This gave way to this mammoth effort.

Here is the moment to apologize to any folks who were un-intentionally hurt either due to dim witted posts or due to stomach pains induced by some bone jarring humor.

Thanks for all your readership and special mention to the Balaga members who are avid readers and contributors. There are other readers from the greatunknown to somebody!

Laugh it out – 7

The 3rd Standard was told to write a paragraph about a dog and present the same after christmas vacations. Ramu was not botherd much as his good friend Shamu wrote a beatiful para on his brown eyed ‘mothy’.

Ramu just borrowed and copied the same and presented it after vacations in school. After 2 days when teacher started correcting the same, she caught ramu’s para to be exact replica of shamu and asked him – Ramu! Why have you copied the text from shamu?

Ramu stood up and answered. But miss we did write about the dog.

Then how come is it exactly same? sensing the mistake, miss thrust the book into Ramus face.

Ramu answered , gulping “thats because we both wrote it seeing the same dog“.

Debt Councelling

When there was a post on how credit cards are dangerous for lives, most readers felt the post was quite negative.

No lesser mortal than RBI has woken up to this startling fact of debt trap which people fall into. They have advised and asked banks to setup debut counelling services. Read more of it here

Travel trials

Recently was out travelling on official business – Just like some people have Impossible removed from their dictionaries, I have or rather been forced to remove the word Vacations from my dictionary!