Laugh it out…………..34

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Laugh it out……… 33

 

VINAYA HEGDE forwards a good forward:

“Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life. In between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

“I said to her: ‘Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I’d much rather die.’

“Then my wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the cable, the dish, the DVD, the computer, the cell phone, the iPod, and the X-box, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer.

“I almost died.”

Laugh it out……………32

Several weeks after a yopung man had been hired, he was called into the MD’s cabin.
“what is this ?” the md asked . you said you had 5 yrs of exp.now we discover this is your first job .”Well , the young man replied “in your ad you said you wanted some one with good imagination”.

Laugh it out …………31

2 brothers were having their breakfast one morning.. it’s cereals with hot chocolate.. the younger brother finished his drink and took his bowl of cereal, and went to the aquarium. Just as he was about to feed the fish with the bowl of cereals, his mother came in and shouted, ‘jon, dont do it!! the fish will die!!’ the little boy turned pale, and gave his mother a desperate look..

Laught it out…. 30

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said:

Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated

fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic,

see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal

specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only…

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk

like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but litsen to my complaints first:

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man:

I sleep vigilantly like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.

I get up in the morning like a horse

I go to work running like a deer

I work all the day like a donkey

I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.

I wag my tail in front of all my bosses

I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.

I am like a rabbit before my wife

Doctor: are you a Software Engineer?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me

in the begining itself that you are are an engineer.

Come on man, no one can treat you better than me.

Laugh it out …………..29

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in
a cage.

He asked the clerk, ‘how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
‘Rs. 2500.’, the man said. ‘Well what does he do?
‘He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft
Office 2000, responds the clerk.
He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your
letters.’

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,

but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last
parrot. The clerk replied, ‘Rs. 10,000.’
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this
bird’s specialty was.
The clerk replies, ‘Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.

Mahabharat 2050…. Jai ektha kapoor!!

The much awaited magnum opus from ektha’s stable was showcased yesterday on one of the channels. Having a good knowledge of not only the original epic but also ekthas way of spreading the same was something i could not guess very much.

Before we begin dissecting the show, my due apologies to Maharishi vedavysa et all for the cruel descriptions.

If one follows kannada movies, we have a hero jaggesh – the navarasa nayaka. This means the actor can give splendid performences (?) in the 9 different emotions / aspects a person can possibly depict in a role/ roles as applicable.

The reason why we talk of jageesh here is because, the epic orginally has all the different emotions in different hues,shades,colours, vibrations etc which can be enjoyed, understood. Ektha is popular for her flashback – so much, the original script is forgotton, hystrinics, revenge – woman to woman variety.

The first episode was entirely depicted in a very cruel sattaire – barring a crying vedhavyasa at the end whom Lord bramha consoles. The episode mainly consisted of the pandavas loosing everything, Draupadhi being dragged to central stage, attempt to de-robe her and Lord krishna saving her.

Draupadhi was quite modern with her dress and if you didnt throw a soft porn gyration song in lines of bollywood with dhuryodhan – it was missing with all her mannerisums. Bheem was nicely picturised showing his agony and anger – the camera work was just great with a low closeup. The same was used on all other brothers which was not required.

All the warriors looked as if they decended from some modern sci-fi including Arjun who was wielding an iron bow!! Took me back to the basics taught about archery in discovery channel recently.

Why ektha decided to clad all the pandavas in black was haunting me through out but when Draupadhi called out for ’sakha’ ( intelligent folks have to understand this as krishna), horror of horror, a nirma soap advertisement wheel came from some where and generated the required red colour saree – man was that china silk?

Draupadhi then breaks into ekthas trade mark hystronics and chastises every man on earth!!!

There are some plus points too. The sound track done on DTS is superb and a treat to ears. If you have the same, its enjoyable on home theatre systems. If sagar had to shoot some fireworks in closeup and show it for every fight, ektha has the modern software to do much more and irritate the viewers. The camara work is excellent who shows the anger of bheemasena using the sharp edges of his mace!

Characterisation plays a very important role in epics of this nature and ektha forgot this i suppose – maybe purposefully. None of the characters are recognizable unless they are addressed. They all are dressed, look and talk similarly!!

Was trying to help my junior understand the epic better using visual medium but knowing the future with ekthas methodology – its better junior doesnt learn such things!!

Laugh it out …….28

During a visit to the mental asylum,a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?”

Laugh it out 27….

SNIPPET 1

Seen written on a wall by a pastor.

God never fails.

 A speculator wrote just below that ‘Ask him to try trading in Nifty futures’.”

SNIPPET 2

A SMS circulated around says ‘Finance minister is considering inclusion of SENSEX and NIFTY as part of WPI ( wholesale Price Index) so that it cools of the high inflation numbers’

Photographic nightmares

My good old friend Mahesh who has featured in many my escapades suddenly remembered me.

His cell phone connection was quite audiable but with lots of funny noises behind. Even before the customary how are you, how is dad,mom questions i blurted out half in jest ‘what are you eating while talking to me’. Mahesh was quick to rasp ‘nothing like that…why?’.

I said ‘forget it – it sounded like you are eating something’.

Mahesh came straight to the point. ‘Do you know if you can unformat a SD card?’. For readers who are not accomusted to these modern acronyms, SD card meant the small stamp sized memory card or stick as people refer to give it the kicks -is used to capture all the digital photographs in modern cameras and mahesh is a professional in that sense from the last 25 years.

Its getting quite difficult to buy film rolls, develop them and print them. The modern avtar of this memory chip has effective that too – cost effectively replaced the old contraptions. But before you jump to conlcusions just read on..

Knowing Mahesh qutite well, i asked why what happened man? Nothing man you know just wanted to know about it. At 9.30PM if mahesh has to call me after months to gather, there should be some thing cooking there… I prodded on ‘why you lost one is it?’. Sheepishly he admitted ‘yes man’.

He went on to cover up his mistake. He had been to a function as professional photographer and snapped quite a few shots in the morning, noon and evening.   Next day morning he had by mistake ‘erased all of them’ assuming he had downloaded the same to his computer previously.

It was shocking revelation for me. What would he answer the customer now!!! While thoughts of the client shouting and manhandling him for the errornous act, Mahesh brought me back to mother earth. Mohan – are you there?

Using my knowledge, i told him, Have you used the damn card afterwards? Mahesh said ‘yes’ till next day noon. In a gasp of air i said – ‘then your chances of retrieval is quite less but not impossible’.

I suggested him some good places where such recovery is done for 600 Rs to 800 Rs and he said since he was in a hurry, he will do that and call back.

Next day evening i was waiting for the outcome. I had planned 100 things to tell him in case his unerase failed. Mahesh came on line and said – ‘I tried downloading so much software but none of them worked’. I screamed at him – ‘what do you mean, go to a professional and he will do it in a jiffy – what will your customer think of you and how will it impact your future?

Like a cool congress politician who had recently lost the elections, Mahesh replied ‘I just came back from those guys who said you are the unluckiest chap as we could not retrieve a single photo’.

Mahesh- what will you do now man? Will the customer keep quite?

Mahesh answered. i allready gave the customer some 40 snaps of previous evening and told them the truth but half truth – that the card got corrupted and they being nice folks, accepted the same. For the mistake i did not accept any money for the whole thing.

Whew! that was a close call. Our Maheshs photographic guru aka Gurumurthy had done one better thing in 1980’s when film rolls were ruling the day -he had snapped an entire ‘thread cermoney’ without having an inch of film!!!

So much for the memory problems huh?