Laught it out…. 30

July 24, 2008

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said:

Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated

fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic,

see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal

specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only…

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk

like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but litsen to my complaints first:

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man:

I sleep vigilantly like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.

I get up in the morning like a horse

I go to work running like a deer

I work all the day like a donkey

I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.

I wag my tail in front of all my bosses

I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.

I am like a rabbit before my wife

Doctor: are you a Software Engineer?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me

in the begining itself that you are are an engineer.

Come on man, no one can treat you better than me.


Laugh it out …………..29

July 21, 2008

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in
a cage.

He asked the clerk, ‘how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
‘Rs. 2500.’, the man said. ‘Well what does he do?
‘He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft
Office 2000, responds the clerk.
He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your
letters.’

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,

but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last
parrot. The clerk replied, ‘Rs. 10,000.’
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this
bird’s specialty was.
The clerk replies, ‘Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.


Mahabharat 2050…. Jai ektha kapoor!!

July 8, 2008

The much awaited magnum opus from ektha’s stable was showcased yesterday on one of the channels. Having a good knowledge of not only the original epic but also ekthas way of spreading the same was something i could not guess very much.

Before we begin dissecting the show, my due apologies to Maharishi vedavysa et all for the cruel descriptions.

If one follows kannada movies, we have a hero jaggesh – the navarasa nayaka. This means the actor can give splendid performences (?) in the 9 different emotions / aspects a person can possibly depict in a role/ roles as applicable.

The reason why we talk of jageesh here is because, the epic orginally has all the different emotions in different hues,shades,colours, vibrations etc which can be enjoyed, understood. Ektha is popular for her flashback – so much, the original script is forgotton, hystrinics, revenge – woman to woman variety.

The first episode was entirely depicted in a very cruel sattaire – barring a crying vedhavyasa at the end whom Lord bramha consoles. The episode mainly consisted of the pandavas loosing everything, Draupadhi being dragged to central stage, attempt to de-robe her and Lord krishna saving her.

Draupadhi was quite modern with her dress and if you didnt throw a soft porn gyration song in lines of bollywood with dhuryodhan – it was missing with all her mannerisums. Bheem was nicely picturised showing his agony and anger – the camera work was just great with a low closeup. The same was used on all other brothers which was not required.

All the warriors looked as if they decended from some modern sci-fi including Arjun who was wielding an iron bow!! Took me back to the basics taught about archery in discovery channel recently.

Why ektha decided to clad all the pandavas in black was haunting me through out but when Draupadhi called out for ‘sakha’ ( intelligent folks have to understand this as krishna), horror of horror, a nirma soap advertisement wheel came from some where and generated the required red colour saree – man was that china silk?

Draupadhi then breaks into ekthas trade mark hystronics and chastises every man on earth!!!

There are some plus points too. The sound track done on DTS is superb and a treat to ears. If you have the same, its enjoyable on home theatre systems. If sagar had to shoot some fireworks in closeup and show it for every fight, ektha has the modern software to do much more and irritate the viewers. The camara work is excellent who shows the anger of bheemasena using the sharp edges of his mace!

Characterisation plays a very important role in epics of this nature and ektha forgot this i suppose – maybe purposefully. None of the characters are recognizable unless they are addressed. They all are dressed, look and talk similarly!!

Was trying to help my junior understand the epic better using visual medium but knowing the future with ekthas methodology – its better junior doesnt learn such things!!


Laugh it out …….28

July 7, 2008

During a visit to the mental asylum,a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?”


Laugh it out 27….

July 2, 2008

SNIPPET 1

Seen written on a wall by a pastor.

God never fails.

 A speculator wrote just below that ‘Ask him to try trading in Nifty futures’.”

SNIPPET 2

A SMS circulated around says ‘Finance minister is considering inclusion of SENSEX and NIFTY as part of WPI ( wholesale Price Index) so that it cools of the high inflation numbers’


Photographic nightmares

June 27, 2008

My good old friend Mahesh who has featured in many my escapades suddenly remembered me.

His cell phone connection was quite audiable but with lots of funny noises behind. Even before the customary how are you, how is dad,mom questions i blurted out half in jest ‘what are you eating while talking to me’. Mahesh was quick to rasp ‘nothing like that…why?’.

I said ‘forget it – it sounded like you are eating something’.

Mahesh came straight to the point. ‘Do you know if you can unformat a SD card?’. For readers who are not accomusted to these modern acronyms, SD card meant the small stamp sized memory card or stick as people refer to give it the kicks -is used to capture all the digital photographs in modern cameras and mahesh is a professional in that sense from the last 25 years.

Its getting quite difficult to buy film rolls, develop them and print them. The modern avtar of this memory chip has effective that too – cost effectively replaced the old contraptions. But before you jump to conlcusions just read on..

Knowing Mahesh qutite well, i asked why what happened man? Nothing man you know just wanted to know about it. At 9.30PM if mahesh has to call me after months to gather, there should be some thing cooking there… I prodded on ‘why you lost one is it?’. Sheepishly he admitted ‘yes man’.

He went on to cover up his mistake. He had been to a function as professional photographer and snapped quite a few shots in the morning, noon and evening.   Next day morning he had by mistake ‘erased all of them’ assuming he had downloaded the same to his computer previously.

It was shocking revelation for me. What would he answer the customer now!!! While thoughts of the client shouting and manhandling him for the errornous act, Mahesh brought me back to mother earth. Mohan – are you there?

Using my knowledge, i told him, Have you used the damn card afterwards? Mahesh said ‘yes’ till next day noon. In a gasp of air i said – ‘then your chances of retrieval is quite less but not impossible’.

I suggested him some good places where such recovery is done for 600 Rs to 800 Rs and he said since he was in a hurry, he will do that and call back.

Next day evening i was waiting for the outcome. I had planned 100 things to tell him in case his unerase failed. Mahesh came on line and said – ‘I tried downloading so much software but none of them worked’. I screamed at him – ‘what do you mean, go to a professional and he will do it in a jiffy – what will your customer think of you and how will it impact your future?

Like a cool congress politician who had recently lost the elections, Mahesh replied ‘I just came back from those guys who said you are the unluckiest chap as we could not retrieve a single photo’.

Mahesh- what will you do now man? Will the customer keep quite?

Mahesh answered. i allready gave the customer some 40 snaps of previous evening and told them the truth but half truth – that the card got corrupted and they being nice folks, accepted the same. For the mistake i did not accept any money for the whole thing.

Whew! that was a close call. Our Maheshs photographic guru aka Gurumurthy had done one better thing in 1980’s when film rolls were ruling the day -he had snapped an entire ‘thread cermoney’ without having an inch of film!!!

So much for the memory problems huh?


Inflation – how to tackle it

June 26, 2008

One of the most repeatedly asked question by anybody is – how to tackle this devil which has grown in gigantic proportions?

Most people are unaware of what it is and how it affects them but one thing is for sure, the media has beamed this bad news so continiously that people are more scared than ever. Worse is the situation when we dont know what we are scared off!!

Inflation is simply put as excess money in the country which is chasing few goods. This could be because of prouduction not sufficient or because of too much money with people – net result is the purchasing power of rupees comes down – this is something everybody understands!

Inflation is a essential devil. 3% to 4% is essential for the economic growth of the country but 11% to 14% as of now will hurt the poorest of the poor by reducing their purchasing power while their incomes dont raise proportionately.

The poor man tightens the belt, luxury items are no more purchased, essentials are rationed and the comman man will suffer.

If there is some savings – the retired people etc who have invested in risk averse things like bank FD’s are in for shock as they get negetive returns. Actually the interest paid on FD’s is to give atleast 2% over and above inflation so that your capital remains intact. What reteired people think is that my capital is intact and am living off on the interest portion – WRONG!!!

In current scenario when inflation is at 12% to 14%, your bonds/ FD’s dont give more than 9.75%. This difference is called negetive growth and if it continues for more than 2 years, its a dangerous situation.

So what should common man do for all these – more so the retired people?

Industry experts point out that Gold was one time tested hedging mechanisum but historicaly in the last 20 years, this has not provided very good results. In fact its too much of a risk for common man to purchase, store and sell the same.

Equities are the only life saving mechanisum to beat this devil called inflation. At times of inflation, the corporates increase the cost of products and pass it on to the consumer. But as a owner of the concern you would also be protected as growth would be in line with inflation.  Choose a mutual fund ( balanced one) so that you invest systamatically initially.

RISK is something that needs to be taken for the long term. A pensioner is advised to part 80% in fixed income instruments but 20% should be in equities commited for 7 to 10 years. The growth of this 20% in equities should make the average man break even.

Modern times bring on modern risks and knowledge of the correct nature is imperative to sustain!!